Saturday, May 26, 2012

Anatomy of A Layoff

Seems strange that one year ago today, my whole world changed.

I have thought about this anniversary for days and have been scripting a blog post in my head ~ an hour by hour account of what happened on May 26, 2011.  I got excited and wrote the introduction last night and suddenly stopped before I even really got started.

It just does not even matter anymore.

The "sheer terror" I felt ~ when being told at 9 a.m. that fateful morning that I would have to meet four hours with a panel of four people ~ passed months ago.

My memory of that eventful day is mostly how little anyone seemed to care that they were letting me go after five years in the same department and nearly eleven years at the same university. 

I carry that feeling with me today ~ that no one really cared ~ that I was met by uncaring eyes, expressionless faces ~ all in the name of a "business decision" to let me go due to "a lack of funds."

I meant nothing to them.  I was not a human being to them.  To them I was a measly $34,000 and pocket change salary along with a $9,000 and pocket change benefits package that they could no longer support.

Cold, unfeeling robots telling a human being that their job has been eliminated.  Actors in a "B" movie following a script laid out by Staff Human Resources.  Stay on topic, do not let the staff member being laid off diverge from the topic, keep the meeting brief.

One year ago today, my whole world changed.

Sheer terror last year ~ sheer joy today ~

The "B" Movie is over ~ The Blockbuster has begun!

Monday, May 21, 2012

The Face of Abuse

You cannot tell by looking at me.

That I once was abused.

That I once endured four years of domestic violence.

You could not tell by looking at me back then.

That I wore The Face of Abuse.

That the bruises were hidden beneath my hair.

You could not tell that I put make-up on my neck to cover up the first incident when pressed his knuckles so viciously into my neck and rib cage just hours before I had to leave for my niece's 1st birthday party.

You could not tell by looking at me that I listened to vulgar words being shouted at me daily.

That I feared for my life.

That I did not know if I could make it through another day.

Perhaps my eyes revealed some truth.

Weary ~

Worried ~

Distracted ~ 

Hopeless ~

Full of fear ~

I looked at my driver's license yesterday and saw The Face of Abuse.

A look only I could see.

A picture taken mere months before we broke up.

Then reposted five years later on my new driver's license.  Expiring in three more years.

Maybe I will take a new picture then.

In 2015.

To showcase my 10 years of freedom.

A New Picture of The Face of Freedom.

For all to see ~





Uncensored




Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Mama, I Miss You

Mama, it's been 17 Mother's Days without you.  I have been thinking about you even more this Mother's Day.

The passing of time makes my loss of you seem even more permanent.  The passage of time makes me realize how close in age Rhonda and I are now to the age you were when you died.  The passage of time makes me realize that "the boys" are now fully grown men ~ those precious grandsons who still remember "Their Ma" in all her glory ~ so much that your memory has been tattooed on their forearms.

Dear Mama, I cry about you when I ride the bus.  I mist up at the sights of Santa Cruz and how all our dreams came true when Dad moved us to our annual vacation destination 30 years ago this year.  I am so sorry you were only here for 12 of those years.  The Summer of '82 was so magical for all of us as we explored every nook and cranny of Santa Cruz County.  How we celebrated the drifting fog in glorious Rio Del Mar.  How we became a hotel for that summer as everyone wanted to visit us.

So much time has passed without you.  I thought about how we do go on with our lives and are not sad as much yet tears are streaming down my face as I write this letter to you.  Oh, how I wish the cancer had not taken you away from us so soon.  I still question it all and wonder why I had to lose my dear mother so young.

I thank you for all that you have given me just by being my mother.  Mostly I thank you for the strength you instilled in me ~ to give me the courage to go on despite life's obstacles.  So many more obstacles that I faced in the years since you have been gone.

I feel your presence around me on a daily basis, and I treasure the spiritual relationship I have with you now.  I blow kisses to the ocean each time I see a peek.  I know you feel my love.

Thank you, Mama, for being my mother, for loving me, and for being my best friend.

Mama, I miss you ~

All my love,

Your Grateful Daughter




Mama and Her Infamous Castle Cake
Randy's 4th Birthday ~ May 10, 1970