Friday, June 8, 2012

The Little Dog That Heals Me

I knew I had been healed when I forgot to kiss her picture.

Mama's engagement portrait ~ perched high a shelf ~ a classic picture to remember the mother I lost so long ago.  I framed the picture shortly after her death.  Ten months later when I finally moved out of my parent's house, I proudly displayed her beautiful smile, her soft gaze on my antique dresser in the furnished room I now rented on the Westside. 

I had visited my grandmother that Summer of 1995 and saw her kiss Mom's high school graduation picture.  Nanny had a black and white, wallet-sized picture tucked into the corner of her bedroom mirror above her dresser.  The simple act of her kissing her daughter's picture touched me so deeply that I soon copied the gesture when I got back home.

There was only one time in my life when I tucked the picture away in a drawer ~ during my abusive relationship ~ for fear he would break the glass or tear up her picture.  But I remember taking the picture out of the drawer to kiss her on my 40th birthday, the day he completed ignored me. 

The picture has travelled with me from Aptos to Ben Lomond to Santa Cruz to Felton to Scotts Valley and now back to Santa Cruz.

But now I keep forgetting to kiss her picture. 

Because of him.  He greets me so excitedly when I come home from work that I whisk by the picture to give him a hug.  My little rescue dog.  Paddington with the Big Brown Eyes.

My life is busier now, fuller, a routine revolving around him.

I find myself too busy walking him at dawn, gathering up dog treats, and then rushing off to work to stop and kiss her picture.

I have my fur family back after over three and half years of loss ~ the back-to-back losses of my precious dog Ceci and my longtime companion, Mama's beloved cat Lil' Red.  I have two boys now, my Paddington and my wild cat Jack ("The Flying Cat"). 

My tiny home is full of life ~ not death. 

Mama's picture remains high on the shelf ~ a sepia-toned memory ~

As I return to the present

and

The Little Dog that heals me.





My Precious Paddington