The Price I Paid

I am going through a phase in my healing where I am reliving all that I lost by being in a domestic violence relationship for four years.

More than anything, I really feel like I lost four years of my life.

Four years of limited contact with my family.

Four years of good health.

Four years of progress.

Four years of peace.

Four years of beauty.

Four years of joy.

Four years of truth.

Four years of love.

Four years of hope.

Four years of spirit.

Four years of soul.

Four years.  Four years.  Four years.  Those endless four years.

The Lost Years of My Life ~



Uncensored

Losing Dickens

It comes back to haunt me ~ all that I've lost ~ every time I think of him.

Lil' Dickens, my precious boy.

One last bit of power and control the ex had over me.

Keeping Lil' Dickens and then letting him migrate to the next door neighbor's house a year later.

I kept that dream alive of visiting him again one day.  But with lack of transportation or anyone willing to take me up there ~ and most of all, my fear of my abuser seeing me in town ~ kept me away.

And now he will move 3000 miles away.

He always said that Lil' Dickens went next door because I stopped visiting.  And now ~ after seven years ~ I do believe him.

He went looking for his mommy ~ the woman who loved him ever since he was just a 3" ball of fur ~ he wondered where I went ~ why I did not come to see him ~ to have him curl up on my chest and take a nap ~ to have him record his purr.

I was gone.

Lil' Dickens, I am sorry.

I am sorry to have left.

But I had to ~ in order to save my own life.

I could not fight for you because it was too dangerous to stay in touch.

I had to accept his one last ditch effort at complete power and control over me.

I speak to you in my thoughts ~ I see you in my dreams ~ I hold you tight to my heart ~

Lil' Dickens, my precious boy ~

Lil' Dickens and Me