Sunday, August 31, 2014

Hit Submit

Hit submit on my first domestic violence advocate application. Felt just like I did when I wrote my first blog story that first hinted about my past. Felt just like I did when I first Broke My Silence on Domestic Violence. November 3, 2010. Tears began to flow, and I had to step away to look at the ocean. To speak to my mother. Each of those 50+ survival stories felt like I was giving birth to their creation. To bringing myself one step closer to the life I live today. Where life is precious and pure and sweet.


Friday, July 4, 2014


He nearly took it all.

Every ounce of my self-esteem.

Instead he shredded it slowly ~ day after day ~ week after week ~ month after month.

First came the corrections.

Apparently, I was unable to pronounce many words correctly and needed to be told over and over again how to pronounce them.

College educated in English ~ a writer for years ~ and yet I still needed to be told how to pronounce words correctly.

Then came the judgments.  My anxiety apparently ranked farther down than his depression, and I had to be reminded how unstable I was.  That he did not think he wanted to be with someone who was "unstable."  That he could easily find someone else to love.

Then came the body.  He kept trying to find new ways to call me fat.

"We are both getting fat."

"Is that a bun in your oven?" he asked while patting my middle-age belly.

"I can hear the swish-swish sound your jeans make when your thighs rub together."

I still hear his voice when I put on a pretty dress and look down and see my belly.

"We are both getting fat."

"Is that a bun in your oven?"

I need to get his voice out of my head.  His face out of my dreams.  The memories erased from my mind.

I need to get back to the woman I was before I met him.

Confident.  Worthy.  A woman who loves herself.

The echoes of my past haunt me.

His words were like claws, and they shredded my well-being.  Shredded the goodness I once felt inside.  Shredded the beauty I once saw when I looked in the mirror.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Getting on The A Train

Sometimes you can not see what is right in front of you.

All along he was there.

He told me all I needed to remember was to get on the A train when I was in New York.

It would take me anywhere.

I got on just about every other train.

Found myself getting lost.

Walking in circles.

And when I came back, there he was.

Smiling, laughing, greeting me each morning.

With friendly banter about my trip ~

But I could not see what was right in front of me.

I took off in another direction, got blindsided by another situation, fell flat on my face, and when I picked myself back up, he was still there.

Still wanting to see all those pictures I took in New York.

Still wanting to be my friend.

My detour ~ my derailment ~ is over.

I'm getting on the A train.

Sunday, June 15, 2014


The first lie you ever told me was "I love you."

Oh, you had to say it first and then tell me you knew what it was like to be in love.

All lies.

Months of lies.

Just taking me along for the ride.

The Joy Ride of Lies.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Revolving Door

Revolving door of infidelity.

Back to back women from a not so distant past.

Back to back Double Lives.

I thought they were the other women.

But in the end I was the other woman to them.

Double Lives.

Revolving Door of Infidelity.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Season of Tears

Just not sure if I am ever going to get it really right ~

This holiday season ~

This Season of Tears ~

She's been gone 19 years this Christmas Day ~

Seems like yesterday ~

The tears started earlier this year ~

Just before Thanksgiving ~

I realized on Thanksgiving that it is finally time to start my own traditions ~

So, yes, it is time to finally plan that getaway on Thanksgiving and Christmas ~

To just run away from it all ~

To not worry about trying to keep things the way they were ~

Because they have never really been the same since she left us that Sunny Christmas Day ~

I am tired of pretending that everything is normal when it's not ~

So away I go ~

But not this year ~ 

I wonder if Christmas will be sunny this year ~ 

I wonder if her light will shine down upon us like it did when she took her last breath ~

The aura of her spirit lingering with us as we said our final goodbyes ~

And thanked her for spending one last Christmas with us ~

The Last Best Christmas ~ 

Mama, I Miss You ~