Friday, July 4, 2014
He nearly took it all.
Every ounce of my self-esteem.
Instead he shredded it slowly ~ day after day ~ week after week ~ month after month.
First came the corrections.
Apparently, I was unable to pronounce many words correctly and needed to be told over and over again how to pronounce them.
College educated in English ~ a writer for years ~ and yet I still needed to be told how to pronounce words correctly.
Then came the judgments. My anxiety apparently ranked farther down than his depression, and I had to be reminded how unstable I was. That he did not think he wanted to be with someone who was "unstable." That he could easily find someone else to love.
Then came the body. He kept trying to find new ways to call me fat.
"We are both getting fat."
"Is that a bun in your oven?" he asked while patting my middle-age belly.
"I can hear the swish-swish sound your jeans make when your thighs rub together."
I still hear his voice when I put on a pretty dress and look down and see my belly.
"We are both getting fat."
"Is that a bun in your oven?"
I need to get his voice out of my head. His face out of my dreams. The memories erased from my mind.
I need to get back to the woman I was before I met him.
Confident. Worthy. A woman who loves herself.
The echoes of my past haunt me.
His words were like claws, and they shredded my well-being. Shredded the goodness I once felt inside. Shredded the beauty I once saw when I looked in the mirror.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Sometimes you can not see what is right in front of you.
All along he was there.
He told me all I needed to remember was to get on the A train when I was in New York.
It would take me anywhere.
I got on just about every other train.
Found myself getting lost.
Walking in circles.
And when I came back, there he was.
Smiling, laughing, greeting me each morning.
With friendly banter about my trip ~
But I could not see what was right in front of me.
I took off in another direction, got blindsided by another situation, fell flat on my face, and when I picked myself back up, he was still there.
Still wanting to see all those pictures I took in New York.
Still wanting to be my friend.
My detour ~ my derailment ~ is over.
I'm getting on the A train.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Just not sure if I am ever going to get it really right ~
This holiday season ~
This Season of Tears ~
She's been gone 19 years this Christmas Day ~
Seems like yesterday ~
The tears started earlier this year ~
Just before Thanksgiving ~
I realized on Thanksgiving that it is finally time to start my own traditions ~
So, yes, it is time to finally plan that getaway on Thanksgiving and Christmas ~
To just run away from it all ~
To not worry about trying to keep things the way they were ~
Because they have never really been the same since she left us that Sunny Christmas Day ~
I am tired of pretending that everything is normal when it's not ~
So away I go ~
But not this year ~
I wonder if Christmas will be sunny this year ~
I wonder if her light will shine down upon us like it did when she took her last breath ~
The aura of her spirit lingering with us as we said our final goodbyes ~
And thanked her for spending one last Christmas with us ~
The Last Best Christmas ~
Mama, I Miss You ~
Friday, November 22, 2013
Calling the hotline after so many years makes me wonder if it ever will really stop.
The underlying flashbacks just waiting to erupt at any random trigger.
The lack of trust in new relationships.
The pain that never really left my side even though I moved on long ago ~
I still remembered the number.
1(866) 2 My Ally ~
And again, another young woman answered the other line.
Calmed me down.
Told her how taken back I was to have so much anxiety at work.
Needing to sneak in another office to make a secret call at work.
So reminiscent of my distant past.
I asked her how can this be happening when I am an advocate now ~ an online advocate ~ a writer for the abused ~
And yet I am riddled with anxiety ~ flooded with tears ~ remembering him and how much he once controlled me ~
He affects my present in ways I do not wish ~
He ruins my today ~