The Year of The Now

July 2, 2014 ~ July 2, 2015 ~ "The Year of The Now"
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My life changed in a heartbeat in the early dawn of July 2, 2014 ~ this past year has been one incredible Joy Ride ~ winding fearlessly through the most unexpected twists and turns ~ full of the purest joy and mostly happy tears ~ so today I celebrate the hope I held onto all year and all the goodness that invades my life now ~ Love to All!!!

Little Dog in Lost World

Precious Paddington

Hello from The Big Sky

~ Precious Mama ~ 
Forever 
in 
My Heart ~ My Soul

Incredible

More Than You Know

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Wake Up Smiling

Because of You

Reflections

Alone time is nice 

because 

it always makes me 

remember 

how much 

life 

you bring

 into 

my life ~

The Best Part of Any Day

You are the best part of any day

Celebrating Ceci-My Silly Little April Fool

Sweet Little Ceci, you came into my life on April Fool's Day 2007.  I adopted you on a Sunday.  I remember it all as if it were yesterday.  I just had to have you.  I was not looking for you.  I spotted you over the railing at the shelter the week before--another Sunday.  You side-glanced at me with those big beautiful eyes--showing the extra whites of your eyes--and you thumped your little tail so excitedly.  I found out you had just been surrendered that day.  You had lived the first twelve years of your life with two different members of the same extended family--a mother and then her son--or vice versa--somehow they gave you up--and somehow you and I both knew that you would now be mine to love and to hold--to care for until the rest of your life, dear Ceci Girl--to make those golden years so much more special for you.  Now it was your turn to be taken for walks.  No more reports to a shelter that you were never walked much.  Oh, I listened carefully to what they told me as I signed your adoption papers--they said you had not been walked much--and I knew that was all going to change for you, dear heart.  So they gave me a pink collar and a purple leash.  And I brought a camera, and the ladies were so happy to take our pictures.  I have never had human children, so I equate this magical experience to what it must feel like to see one's newborn child for the first time or to witness the arrival of an adopted child.  I was simply on Cloud Nine!  My very first doggie.  One that would not be separated from me by any kind of relationship break up.  One that would join my family and be a part of my very own fur family.  Thank you God, for my precious little Ceci Girl.  My silly little April Fool.

Ceci and Me
"Kissing Ceci's Ears"

 

 

 

I Miss You Already

Courtesy Sean McLean Photography

Voices

Sometimes I still hear their voices.

I look down at my body ~ in awe of my 40 pounds of weight loss ~ and still see the little belly that remains.

I laugh at my first "thigh gap" in thirty years and remember how a man I once dated made fun of the sound of my jeans rubbing together when I walked.

I recently told my cousin (who knows very little about my domestic violence story) that my abuser would insert the word "fat" before the b word, the w word, and the c word.

I remember another ex who did not want me to take a break during our work together ~ oh, I had enough fat on reserves, he said.  I went without lunch that day.

I like my body now.  I may have even liked my curvy body even more six months ago.  But I have returned to a body that held my soul before 14 years of back-to-back unhealthy relationships finally took their toll on me.  I revel in the memories of how I once was before verbal, mental, emotional, and physical abuse became a daily part of my life.

So there it is.  And here I am.  Four sizes smaller.  

Stomping out the voices in my head.  One flashback at a time.

Uncensored

Singing

"And when my life is over

Remember when we were together

We were alone 

And I was singing this song for you"

Soul

"Whatever satisfies the soul is truth."

~Walt Whitman

February was Enchanting

My Mama always said, "Good things come to those who wait."

My life is unfolding in just the way I always dreamed ~

From my personal life to my spiritual life ~ to everything else in between ~

Contentment

At Peace in My Life ~ Because of My Sanctuary ~ and All of The Goodness that came to me from the moment I stepped on the sand and let my little doggie off leash ~ We both became truly Free that Glorious Summer Day ~ I weep Tears of Joy now ~ and am so very, very grateful for all of the Blessings God has given me ~

In God's Hands

I put it in God's Hands, and Miracles happen ~

Sunny

"To be happy, you must be your own sunshine."

~ C.E. Jerningham

On Board

I took my second class last night and had to introduce myself to a new rabbi.

I told her about my community of Jewish friends and how I have been seriously thinking of converting to Judaism for the past two months.  I ended the introduction by saying I am on board to committing myself to two years of study to make this conversion dream come true.

She lovingly took the Torah out of the arc, describing the beautifully decorated curtain, the torah crown with little silver bells, and silver the hand pointer.

I stood there fascinated ~

And when she unrolled the Torah, describing how it takes one full year to create ~ when she took the hand pointer and found a passage to read ~ when she translated Hebrew for us ~ I got chills.

Another sign ~

"Sunrise, Sunset"

Misted up on the corner of River and Water Streets today, remembering how Mama used to sing "Sunrise, Sunset" to me as a child.

"Fiddler on the Roof" was probably my first introduction to Jewish life, long before I read the "All of A Kind" family books or ever saw "Crossing Delancey."

That memory came to me a flashback nearly 45 years later, and I took it a as sign that Mama is proud of what I am doing.

Misting up all over again writing this right now.

 

Sunrise, sunset,
Sunrise, sunset,
Swiftly fly the years,
One season following another,
Laiden with happiness and tears ~

 

Tranquility

"The positive vibrations 
of 
unregulated joy, peace, happiness, and tranquility
 is 
freedom."

~ T.F. Hodge 

A New Today

Our lives don't always turn out the way we thought they would, but they turn out the way they were supposed to be.

My blog of the past four-and-a-half years illustrates how I have brought myself to a new today after back-to-back losses and the unfortunate mistreatment by people who claimed to love me.

My healing journey has been incredible ~

And I could not be any more happier than I am today!!!

Honesty

It is so nice to be able to be completely natural and honest with another person.

To be completely myself ~

Such freedom is incredible ~

"I want to be an honest man and a good writer."

~ James A. Baldwin

Life is Sweet

"It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones afterall."


~ Laura Ingalls Wilder

You are Here

Everything is Beautiful

V.D.

It always dawns on me later why I feel so sad.

Twenty years since we sent your spirit out to sea.

Another holiday now with sad memories.

I try not to be sad, but it does explain why I do feel weepy today.

Miss you, Sweet Mama ~ 

I love you so ~

Glory Daze

"Poetry and beauty are born out of pain.  This is their glory, this is our gain."

 ~ S. Tarr

Thank you for making me so damn happy!!!

Here to Stay

Some Days

Some days are harder than others.

But I would rather go hungry at the end of the day than to ever be associated with the abusers of my past who took my money.

I don't want repayment.

I don't want amends.

I already got what I want.

Freedom.

And a new, better life.

Happiness with new friends.

A new community.

Uncensored 

Timeless

"This trip into time, this timeless embrace
I'm like a kid in a store
I'll always want more to taste"

 

~ From "This Moment in Time"

Writers: Ritchie Adams, Alan Bernstein 

Safe

My Sanctuary

My Haven

My Harbor

I feel

Safe

Protected

Secure

Gentle

Tender

Warm

Humane 

Tranquil

Patient

Kind



Shine

"Be a magnet of love.  

Be the unique you with your Brilliance! 

Open your heart wide, radiate with its beams and shine on to others, from the inside out."

~ Angie Karan Krezos

Glorious is Now

One of my earliest and most favorite blog posts is titled "Glorious" which took the reader through the twists and turns of my abusive relationship that originally had started out as "glorious."  "Glorious" has always been the ironic title of my future little book I have wanted to write about the four years I endured. 

But it dawned on me driving home tonight, that Glorious is Now.  Glorious is not the Summer of 2001.  Glorious is Now.

My whole life story changed in a heartbeat, and I have known for months now that I no longer want to write about my past abusive relationship.  That story has been told.

Glorious is Now.

Glorious is how I feel each day when I am treated with kindness and respect.

Glorious is finally trusting another person with every word I speak.

Glorious is laughing and smiling every day.

Glorious is the simplicity and beauty of my world.

Glorious is in my gaze.

And in my "just slightly" nervous banter.

Glorious is knowing that everything will be alright.

Because it already is.

Glorious is every tear that trickles down my cheek because of the happiness I feel.

Glorious are my thoughts.

Glorious are my dreams.

Glorious is Now.