Do They Even Know?

I had one of those "Do They Even Know?" moments yesterday at the holiday party.

After Mom died on Christmas in 1994, I almost feel like I'm walking around with some type of Scarlet Letter on my forehead or something ~ wondering if anyone can even sense the pain I feel at times throughout this holiday season.

An A Cappella Choir came to sing at our holiday breakfast, and I found myself more than tearing up at one of their songs ~ that familiar wince I know so well ~ almost like stifling a gasp ~ at the sheer raw emotion I can still feel remembering back to 1994 and how we lost her forever.

I have told some of my colleagues about my loss and never mentioned it to others ~ and wonder if the others even remember what I told them a few years ago.

I sit in a cafe and enjoy the Christmas decorations and wonder if people can tell that my expression is weary and lost in thought as I ruffle my newspaper and poke at my eggs, still enjoying the moment despite the sorrow I feel throughout the season.

I remember growing up Mama always telling me how her great grandmother, Grandma Helm, died on Christmas.  She told me how the whole family was celebrating Christmas at Grandma Runyan's home, and then all of a sudden, Grandma Runyan took the phone call and found out that her beloved mother had died on Christmas back home in North Dakota.    The Christmas party came abruptly to an end, and Mama said all of the families with young children left shortly after Grandma Runyan received the news.  Grandma Runyan never again celebrated Christmas on Christmas Day after that heartbreaking news and instead switched to celebrating on Christmas Eve.

As a little girl growing up long after my great grandmother died ~ each time I heard this story from my own mother ~ I would try to imagine how Grandma Runyan felt when she received that shocking call of sudden loss ~ and I tried to picture how she managed to cope each Christmas on the anniversary of her own dear mother's death. 

One wonders how one family can actually have two relatives die on Christmas.  How could that happen twice in lifetime?

I remember Grandma Runyan who died when I was only five.  And my precious Nanny, her eldest daughter, who died this past August at the age of 99.  My Beloved Nanny who lived through her own grandmother dying on Christmas and then her own daughter dying on Christmas four decades later.

I think how my own pain is smaller in comparison to a woman endured two of these Christmas losses in her lifetime.  But again, I still have the second half of my life to live, and I, too, will face other losses.

I ask God for a reprieve for now.  We have had too many back-to-back losses for now.  Give me a break before I lose another parent or aunt or uncle or the one remaining great aunt I have on my mother's side of the family.  Let me find a way to enjoy the holidays again before the losses start up again.

Nanny, Grandma Runyan, Sharon,

Mom, and Grandma Helm