A Mother of Three

I feel the pull again.

The pull for another dog.

Ceci has been gone over three years now.

And the ache for my baby girl seems to get stronger as more time goes by ~

I never had human children.

But when I see a little dog's body, I see a human child in my eyes.

Little Itty Bitty ~ who I visit every week ~ curled up like a little Butter Ball in his blue doggie bed with dog bone decorations.  I stare at him in peaceful slumber and see a little boy instead of a dog.  I see the little boy I never had.

Little Lou then draws me near with his old wise eyes and worried ears.  I turn my attention to holding him close, remembering the dogs of my distant past.

I do not feel the same pull when I see the babies of strangers, friends, or family.  They are cute little beings, but I have never really felt the longing to have one.  And now at nearly 47 years old, I never will have one.

I saw a lady walking a medium-size, vanilla lab mix dog downtown last week.  I watched the doggie's legs trot swiftly beside her, and that movement of that doggie's legs filled me with a longing for a dog all over again.  I was drawn to the sweet dog's beautiful little body, and again I saw the dog as if he or she were a human child.

All dogs' eyes are soulful.  I look at nearly daily pictures of my doggie cousins on Facebook.  Sweet Buddy and Alex even have their own Facebook page!  And although I have only met them twice in my life, I feel a connection to their doggie souls from their daily antics posted on Facebook.  I feel the same closeness as I do to my human cousins, their doggie mothers, Maria and Denise.

This human connection to these animal souls brings out my maternal instincts in ways the possibility of having biological children never did.

I only felt my biological clock "tick" once.  My parents surprised me with a loan to go to New York, my childhood dream since I was 10 years old.  In the summer of '93, when I was 28 years old, I boarded a red eye plane and began living my dream from the moment I waved goodbye through the plane window to Mom and Dad in the San Francisco International Airport.

My one month journey was interrupted daily with the sight of New York City children.  I was enchanted by them as they played in Central Park or walked together in long parades down the streets during summer day camp outings.  I stopped and stared.  And cried.

I cried for the children I would never have.  I looked at their sweet faces and knew I would never be a mother.  I did not want to be a mother.  So I mourned the loss of the souls I would never bring into this earth.

The experience was life changing, and I never looked back or cried again at the sight of any children in California.  I accepted my choice and moved on.  I had two relationships with men who had children.  Some of their children were little, some were teenagers, some were young adults.  I never married any of those men, so I never became a stepmother either.

But suddenly in my forties, the pull to have a dog in my life got stronger and stronger.  I was blessed to be surrounded by dogs in my abusive relationship.  They, along with the cats, were my only saving grace.

And when the relationship finally ended, so did my contact with my precious animals.

Until I found Ceci.  She side-glanced at me with big round eyes, showing mostly the whites of her eyes, and thumped her tail excitedly at the sight of me peeking over the railing to see which dogs had been surrendered that day.

I did everything in my power to adopt her.  I did not stop to reconsider my decision when I found out she was already 12 years old.  She became the little girl I never had.  And for the first time in my life, I felt at peace with the decision I had made to not have children.  My daughter was my dog, and I was as happy and content as animals usually are on a daily basis.  My life did not need any extra trimmings.  I did not need to buy new things or take fun vacations.  My whole world ~ my whole routine ~ revolved around caring for her and my two cats, Lil' Red and Jack ("The Flying Cat").  I finally had my own family ~ my little fur family.

Sadly, my sweet little world would come crashing to an end with the sudden illness of Ceci one August morning when she woke me up having violent seizures.  It was my cousin Maria who convinced me I had to let her go ~ as the vet had wiped me of my savings in 48 hours in their only guidance of treating a brain tumor.

A few months later, Lil' Red died of old age.

My little family of three was now one.

Jack keeps me busy with all of his antics, but I long for more.

I look at the doggies wherever I go and see my future children.

I see the fur family that I long to recreate.

But that dream will have to wait.

And until then, I will pet those precious souls wherever I go.  I will hit the "Thumbs Up" button on Facebook for the hilarious pictures of my doggie cousins.  I will remember Ceci and Lil' Red and those precious 17 months we were all together with Baby Jack.

When life was pure and simple and sweet.

When I was a mother of three.   

Ceci at Sunrise