Amends

I question whether amends can be sincere from a man who abused me so viciously so long ago.

I put his email in the "XYZ" folder I created to stuff any email I have received since our days together ended.  I told my brother about the email, and he suggested that maybe my batterer was finally trying to make amends since he has re-entered a 12 step program.

The email did not really mention the physical abuse ~ only hinting at cheating and being too hard on me at times.

I always thought I would like him to make amends but thought that would mean meeting face-to-face.  Mostly I wanted him to give me back the $5000 he made me pay him back for the lawyer and the bail money ~ after I finally called 911 on him.  A sort of financial amends to me for extorting money from me for two long years filled with even more abuse.

No amount of "I'm so sorry" will ever erase the flashbacks that still come at me in dreams, in drifting thoughts, or sudden winces of painful memories.  The flashbacks have lessened through the years, but they do pop up quite unexpectedly at times.

Mostly, my time with him seems like a blur in general ~ on a day-to-day basis ~ and then I remember I am stuffing the pain away so tightly that I may forget all that I went through just to get through my life.

The blog helped me process the flashbacks one by one, and I felt an emotional healing begin almost immediately.  Then I felt the incredible victory in being able to help current victims and survivors with what I consider stories of hope.  

I wonder if he can actually remember our time together in the same way I do.

I wonder if he remembers bashing my head into the wall three times nearly 9 years ago.

I wonder if he remembers asking me, "What am I going to do with you—put you in a hole?"

I wonder if he remembers asking me to choose what I wanted to have written on my headstone.

He feels sorry and wishes he could talk with me now.

Wants to meet up for Chinese food.

But there will be no more conversations, no more Chinese food, despite any type of amends.

I only put a check in the box next the new email in my In Box and move it to the folder titled "XYZ."

And then thank God that I have survived.

Uncensored