This is the first Christmas that I am not dreading.
This is the first Christmas that I might even be looking a little bit forward to this Sunday.
A Victory after 17 years.
Mama's death on Christmas Day 1994 seemed to forever change my view of the holidays. But the writing I did last year to process the annual flashbacks for her 3 1/2 day coma leading up to her death on Christmas has seemed to help. I don't have to relive those dark days at Dominican. I have commemorated her life and her death in the best way I know how: to write.
I think Mama would be proud.
I have lagged behind the others who seemed to move on much sooner than me. Randy still confesses to feeling some melancholy during the season, but he still enjoys the moment and life and juggles his plans with us and the oodles of friends he needs to have a reunion with each time he is in town.
Rhonda has always made Christmas magical for her children. Her boys are now grown, but her young daughter is only 10, and so their house still becomes Toyland this time of year. Rhonda also has an ever growing collection of Christmas decorations from Christmas Angels to Black Santas to handcrafted wooden Santa decorations she finds around town in treasure shops.
Dad seemed to move on 11 years ago when he married into a very large family that has grown in numbers to include even more great grandkids. Christmas is big with this family, and they now hold a huge party at the Club House at his mobile home park. Last year, the party was held the day after Christmas, and I almost did not feel up to celebrating one extra day after already surviving the anniversary of my mother's death.
As I watched generations of my stepmother's family open up their gifts, I remember saying to myself: "I can't be around so much happiness." It was in that moment of revelation that I finally figured out why Christmas has been so hard for me for so many years. Yes, it definitely has been hard to be around "so much happiness" when in my heart, I am mourning my mother all over again.
But I feel the annual mourning to be a little lighter this year and a little more happiness inching back in each day.
The holidays are approaching, and I am not dreading them. I am not waiting for them to be over so I can breathe again. I will get through with more smiles than tears this year.
A Victory after 17 years.
In Memory of Mama
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