Reinvention

The familiar feeling came over me again.

For a few days, I entertained the idea that maybe my old office would recall my old job back.  They seem to have more money now.  New jobs are created.  People are being promoted.  Maybe, just maybe, there is $34,000 left in the budget to bring me back.

I offered to be demoted.  I offered to work part-time.  I offered to take a two-month furlough.  But last spring, none of my offers were considered.  The decision was absolute that they needed to save that $34,000, and even I, with far more seniority than some other staff, would be the only one cut because of some odd layoff unit structure that did not make sense at all. 

And so I left last July.

It dawned on me yesterday that soon it will be six months since I was laid off.  Surely does not seem that long, and then on some level, maybe it really does seem that long.  The limited appointment in another department broke up the long stretch of months, but even with those two months of full-time employment, it still really has been nearly six months since my whole world was disrupted.

I kept thinking maybe they will really bring me back.  I actually had one last shred of hope. 

And then, suddenly, I thought, "Would I really want to go back?"

And I realized that, no, I would never want to go back.

My father always told me, "Never return to the scene of a crime."

He was laid off in a different kind of way back in 1993 from a company he had devoted his whole work life to for 33 years.  Told to take full retirement with no penalty or to take severance pay.  But there was no way that managers over 50 with over 30 years in the company were allowed to stay.  And so he left.

He told me the feeling of being laid off never really goes away.  That I might even replay the layoff in my dreams even years after I have moved on from this obstacle in my life right now.

I can relate to my father on a whole new level now that I have experienced at age 46 what he experienced at age 53.  I can relate to the sadness and anger of being simply discarded by an organization we both were committed to for so many years.  We have had many deep conversations on these personal matters that we never could have had when I was a naive 28-year-old during the year he lost his job.

I think about my old job, my old desk, my old routine and can no longer imagine myself even there.  I have stopped wondering how they are coping without me, knowing they have long moved on with their new team, their new hires, their completely new goals.

I am no longer sad.  No longer angry.

I almost want to thank the lady who I think made the final decision to lay me off instead of even considering reduced hours or furloughs.  But I heard she got laid off just a couple of weeks after me.  And just yesterday, I wondered how she felt nearly five months after being laid off.

I want to thank that lady. 

"Thank you for laying me off!!!" I would shout out if I ever saw her walking down the street.

She gave me the best gift anyone has ever given me.

The power to reinvent myself at a time of my life that I never thought to reinvent myself.

To grab a hold of my dreams again.

To realize I am destined for a better life.  Just by being myself.  And reaching for those dreams all over again.

To not being afraid to have my writing be read by a wider audience.  To have my real name attached to those words.  To get recognition for those words.

"Thank you for laying me off!!!" I shout to myself ~ in my deepest thoughts ~ as I get excited all over again about what life holds for me.

Looking forward ~ not back ~ being grateful.

And understanding this rocky journey was all meant to be ~ as I smile ~ hit the publish button ~ with all my dreams intact.