Dodging My Past

For six years, I have dodged them.

Walked the other way, pretended I did not see them, even not responding to a shout out, "Is that you?"

But today, I turned around, when she shouted, "Aren't you the one who used to date __________ (insert name of abusive ex)?

She did not even remember my name.

But she knew it was me.

And in a split second, I was confronted by my past.

The people of the Santa Cruz Mountains seem to find me in my circus of a second job ~ where I deal with the public in the hot sun ~ and hide behind the hoards of faces ~ when they walk by me.  It's easy to get lost in a crowd.

So, yes, it is me.

And nothing about "How are you?" ~ only about how bad he is doing these days ~ how he has lost everything ~ all because he returned to the drugs after nearly 20 years sobriety.

"Yes, I heard," I nodded, emotionless.

Then looked her straight in the eye and told her I have no contact with him anymore.

"That's good," she said with a smile.

That's good, I thought to myself.  Because I, too, lost everything, just by being abused by him for those four long years.  

I lost my money, my belongings, my housing, two cars, my pride, my dignity, my confidence, my spirit, and nearly my soul ~ just by being abused by him for those four long years. 

I nearly lost my life.

Although he tried very hard to take that away from me ~ just by being abused by him for those four long years.

Those four long years flashing by my eyes, flowing through my veins, making me nearly gasp out loud ~ because I acknowledged my past in a split second.

Today, I have decided to keep dodging them.

If someone asks, "It that you?", I will keep walking.  Walking forward.  Away from my past. 

No, it is not me you see. 

Uncensored