Underground

I have been thinking of going underground.

Not in the same way I used to when I was in my abusive relationship.

But now as a domestic violence advocate who writes an online blog, who is working toward getting more involved with national conferences, and now hopes to eventually get published ~ well, I think I may use a pseudonym.

I do have a very big fear that he will eventually find out about my writing.

The blog is featured in my local newspaper, and I share the blog links on public Facebook pages.

I worry about Google searches.

I do not really want to give up my name, my identity, and the direct acknowledgement that I am the one who really wrote those words. 

But I need to feel safe.

I think back to those long years where I investigated going underground.

I always envisioned New York.

I would visit the website for Safe Horizon and take the virtual tour through their shelter. Over and over, I would visit the rooms in the shelter and imagine myself feeling safe there.

I did not know if I would have to change my name or cut my hair, but I knew I could start over in New York City.  The thought of going underground was scary yet full of all the dreams and adventure I had envisioned as a child of being in New York ~ the city ~ one day.

Recently, I submitted two poems to a poetry writing contest for domestic violence survivors, and they asked if I wanted to use my real name, another name, or remain anonymous.  I struggled with giving up my real name but ~ with the help of my father ~ decided on a pseudonym:  Stella Rhea.

I think about Stella Rhea and all that she has been through these past eleven years.

She is empowered now.

She wants to help others more than ever.

She wants her words, her experience, to truly make a difference.

She is willing to go out in the world by going underground.

I embrace her, love her, and rally behind her.

My name is Stella Rhea, and I am a survivor!

Uncensored