~ All My Dreams Died Here ~
As I wrap up the final hours of my move, I keep thinking over and over, "All My Dreams Died Here."
This was supposed to be my first chance of living downtown. I am a city girl at heart but have primarily lived in suburbs or mountain communities. My life long dream is to live in New York City. Being in the heart of downtown was a wonderful experience, especially since I had given up my car due to inability to buy a new engine or pay for insurance anymore. I thought I had found these wonderful landlords who were so pet friendly. Their ad did not even state anything about allowing pets, but they were more than willing to take my brood. So off we went to get away from the heat of Scotts Valley. I remember getting very ill during the move and remained sick for about another month with an undiagnosed sinus infection. Finally, I got better at the end of July and was able to have a good full month with my little fur family before Ceci suddenly took ill. Oh, why did she have to suddenly wake me up with a full blown seizure the morning of August 25, 2008? Why did it all have to end? Those of you who know my story know how it ended 48 hours later. No sooner was Ceci gone then Lil' Red started showing rapid health decline in November. Your prayers sustained him tor another 2 1/2 months.
This new move took forever because I was so slow. I kept breaking down in tears at all of the reminders ~ all of the memories ~ of my precious fur family. I was scrubbing the toilet and looked over at the covered litter box outside the door and suddenly was transplanted back to the days when they were alive...."Ceci, get out of that litter box! Git! Git!" Oh, how she loved to jump in and dig for "buried treasure"! It was like watching a movie--seeing her trotting over to the litter box ~ the click clack of her toenails ~ the sneaky little look in her eye ~ oh, Ceci, where are you, my little friend, why did you have to leave so soon?
And Red, my trusted friend, my faithful companion, where are you during this move? Why are you not here? Where did you go? From Mom and Dad's House to Ben Lomond to Santa Cruz to Felton to Scotts Valley and back to Santa Cruz? Where is my travelling companion? Where is my soul mate? Where is my little old man? Where is Lil' Red waiting for me at the door always wanting to eat? Waking me up in the middle of the night to get some more kibbles? Jumping up on my lap on the old sixties rocking chair to watch a little T.V....Where are you at night ~ crawling up to sleep on my chest? Where is the Miracle of the Purr that I heard until the day before you died?
So now we leave this place because they do not want us anymore. They want their family to vacation here in the summer instead. And so we will not struggle so much financially, but we will struggle with all of the changes forced upon us ~ all of the dreams that died ~ our life together was taken away from us ~ one by one ~ and who now remains ~ Jack ("The Flying Cat") will be my companion now ~ he does remind me of you, Lil' Red, when you were younger ~ but life is not the same and it never will be ~ The Dreams Died along with you, my friends ~ the landlords took away my home ~ my beautiful corner of the world with lovely views of Victorian tops and Maple trees and peeks of downtown lights ~ the seals barking off the shores at night ~ can hear them more than a mile away. And so we leave tonight after work ~ and the fluffs of cat hair may stay ~ I cannot seem to sweep every bit up ~ I cannot fold up your crate, Ceci ~ it's like admitting that you are never coming back ~ I may just drag it to the new place to have it ready for my next furbaby ~ someday ~ oneday.
***********************************************************************
~ A Roof Over My Head ~
I have been in my tiny little place for 11 days now, and I do thank God for having "A Roof Over My Head." That is only what I really needed ~ a roof over my head. I truly felt the threat of possible homelessness with being unable to afford high move in costs ~ but with a small loan, I found I could make it all work if I just downsized to a smaller place.
Yesterday, I was walking the new route after getting off at the new bus stop after working the whole weekend at the Flea Market (my second job), and I thought about all the changes I have experienced in the past 10 months. The loss of Ceci. The loss of Lil' Red. The final loss of my car in December (which had not been working for over a year but was sold to the mechanic instead). And then the loss of my "dream" housing which I had struggled so hard to find. And I thought "What's left now?" "What's Still Here?" And then I thought, "I'm Still Here." It was like how the Grinch took everything away from those living in Whoville ~ and all they had was each other in the end ~ singing Christmas carols around a vacant tree.
So, yes, I also remembered that I have Jack ("The Flying Cat"). But first, I remembered myself. And my memories. And my hopes and dreams. And how Jack has become a Velcro Cat since Lil' Red has been gone.
I thought about how I do not need fancy views or extra space or even a kitchen because I hate to cook ~ I am o.k. in a one room studio with a cat flying back and forth between the front door and the bathroom window (a bonus room for Jack in my opinion). And so my view is of an old garage rooftop instead of a Victorian rooftop with a peek of some type of large hedge instead of those glorious Maple trees. And now I walk through a somewhat gritty part of town that has more character than crime, but it is old and it is weathered, but so am I. I do not need the glorious quaintness of downtown Victorian Santa Cruz like I thought I did. I am just fine with the "white noise" of tourist cars backed up on Ocean Street as long as the Santa Cruz Diner is only two blocks away. I always wanted the gritty reality of New York City, and I have found it in the one of the poorest parts of Santa Cruz. But I am just fine. And I will be okay.
As I wrap up the final hours of my move, I keep thinking over and over, "All My Dreams Died Here."
This was supposed to be my first chance of living downtown. I am a city girl at heart but have primarily lived in suburbs or mountain communities. My life long dream is to live in New York City. Being in the heart of downtown was a wonderful experience, especially since I had given up my car due to inability to buy a new engine or pay for insurance anymore. I thought I had found these wonderful landlords who were so pet friendly. Their ad did not even state anything about allowing pets, but they were more than willing to take my brood. So off we went to get away from the heat of Scotts Valley. I remember getting very ill during the move and remained sick for about another month with an undiagnosed sinus infection. Finally, I got better at the end of July and was able to have a good full month with my little fur family before Ceci suddenly took ill. Oh, why did she have to suddenly wake me up with a full blown seizure the morning of August 25, 2008? Why did it all have to end? Those of you who know my story know how it ended 48 hours later. No sooner was Ceci gone then Lil' Red started showing rapid health decline in November. Your prayers sustained him tor another 2 1/2 months.
This new move took forever because I was so slow. I kept breaking down in tears at all of the reminders ~ all of the memories ~ of my precious fur family. I was scrubbing the toilet and looked over at the covered litter box outside the door and suddenly was transplanted back to the days when they were alive...."Ceci, get out of that litter box! Git! Git!" Oh, how she loved to jump in and dig for "buried treasure"! It was like watching a movie--seeing her trotting over to the litter box ~ the click clack of her toenails ~ the sneaky little look in her eye ~ oh, Ceci, where are you, my little friend, why did you have to leave so soon?
And Red, my trusted friend, my faithful companion, where are you during this move? Why are you not here? Where did you go? From Mom and Dad's House to Ben Lomond to Santa Cruz to Felton to Scotts Valley and back to Santa Cruz? Where is my travelling companion? Where is my soul mate? Where is my little old man? Where is Lil' Red waiting for me at the door always wanting to eat? Waking me up in the middle of the night to get some more kibbles? Jumping up on my lap on the old sixties rocking chair to watch a little T.V....Where are you at night ~ crawling up to sleep on my chest? Where is the Miracle of the Purr that I heard until the day before you died?
So now we leave this place because they do not want us anymore. They want their family to vacation here in the summer instead. And so we will not struggle so much financially, but we will struggle with all of the changes forced upon us ~ all of the dreams that died ~ our life together was taken away from us ~ one by one ~ and who now remains ~ Jack ("The Flying Cat") will be my companion now ~ he does remind me of you, Lil' Red, when you were younger ~ but life is not the same and it never will be ~ The Dreams Died along with you, my friends ~ the landlords took away my home ~ my beautiful corner of the world with lovely views of Victorian tops and Maple trees and peeks of downtown lights ~ the seals barking off the shores at night ~ can hear them more than a mile away. And so we leave tonight after work ~ and the fluffs of cat hair may stay ~ I cannot seem to sweep every bit up ~ I cannot fold up your crate, Ceci ~ it's like admitting that you are never coming back ~ I may just drag it to the new place to have it ready for my next furbaby ~ someday ~ oneday.
***********************************************************************
~ A Roof Over My Head ~
I have been in my tiny little place for 11 days now, and I do thank God for having "A Roof Over My Head." That is only what I really needed ~ a roof over my head. I truly felt the threat of possible homelessness with being unable to afford high move in costs ~ but with a small loan, I found I could make it all work if I just downsized to a smaller place.
Yesterday, I was walking the new route after getting off at the new bus stop after working the whole weekend at the Flea Market (my second job), and I thought about all the changes I have experienced in the past 10 months. The loss of Ceci. The loss of Lil' Red. The final loss of my car in December (which had not been working for over a year but was sold to the mechanic instead). And then the loss of my "dream" housing which I had struggled so hard to find. And I thought "What's left now?" "What's Still Here?" And then I thought, "I'm Still Here." It was like how the Grinch took everything away from those living in Whoville ~ and all they had was each other in the end ~ singing Christmas carols around a vacant tree.
So, yes, I also remembered that I have Jack ("The Flying Cat"). But first, I remembered myself. And my memories. And my hopes and dreams. And how Jack has become a Velcro Cat since Lil' Red has been gone.
I thought about how I do not need fancy views or extra space or even a kitchen because I hate to cook ~ I am o.k. in a one room studio with a cat flying back and forth between the front door and the bathroom window (a bonus room for Jack in my opinion). And so my view is of an old garage rooftop instead of a Victorian rooftop with a peek of some type of large hedge instead of those glorious Maple trees. And now I walk through a somewhat gritty part of town that has more character than crime, but it is old and it is weathered, but so am I. I do not need the glorious quaintness of downtown Victorian Santa Cruz like I thought I did. I am just fine with the "white noise" of tourist cars backed up on Ocean Street as long as the Santa Cruz Diner is only two blocks away. I always wanted the gritty reality of New York City, and I have found it in the one of the poorest parts of Santa Cruz. But I am just fine. And I will be okay.
Ceci at Sunrise
~ Written May 2009 for petloss.com
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