My Ceci Girl

Every dog that I see reminds me of her.

Large or small, I see Ceci in their eyes.

I find myself misting up on the bus more than any other place.

Saw someone walking briskly with their dog along Bay Street this morning.  Doggie wanting to stop and sniff.  I remembered Ceci tugging on the leash.  Oh, how she loved our walks together.

The shelter lady told me her file said that she was not walked very much.  I made it my mission to walk her at least two times a day ~ sometimes three on the weekends.  

She was so funny.  So sassy.  So spunky.  Our morning walks in the dark before dawn were always shorter than our evening walks.  Ceci would really start tugging then.  I would try to turn into the driveway to the duplex complex, and she would tug me in the opposite direction ~ insisting on nearly another block of walking.

"Ceci, I got to go to work.  Ceci! Okay, just a bit more!" I would laugh each morning at 6:15 a.m., creeping down Scotts Valley Drive hoping we would not get mugged.  Thank Goodness, Scotts Valley was nothing like where I live now or that may have actually happened.

Sometimes it all seems like a dream ~ that short time I got to spend with her ~ those glorious seventeen months ~ Our Sweet Seventeen!

She loved me right from the beginning ~ from the moment I laid eyes on her over the railing at the shelter ~ where I was visiting my nephew's puppies ~ all fourteen of them ~ that had to be placed up for adoption.  She looked at me with big round eyes ~ side-glancing at me so I mostly saw the white of her eyes ~ thumping her tail so excitedly in her cage ~ and I knew she would be mine.

I did not know then that she was 12 years old.  But when I found out, I did not care.  I really thought these little dogs could live to be 18 at least.  So I lived in the moment as if we had at least 6 years together ~ and that seemed like a long time to me then.  I am glad I did not think about tomorrow.

She was full of vim and vigor right up until the end.  I did not want to let her go.  But the brain tumor took a hold of her one morning without any real warning and within 48 hours she was gone.

I remember on the second day of treatment, my sister stopped by with food to get me through the vigil of trying to help My Ceci Girl with the medication they gave me.  I told my sister I felt like dying right then and there.  The end was so difficult.  Nearly as difficult as losing my mother.  I was losing my daughter.  Ceci was my baby girl ~ the daughter I never had.  I was experiencing the loss of a child.

I did not think I would be able to get through those 48 hours.  I almost wish I had not tried to treat a brain tumor.  But in my fog, the first emergency vet just laid down the treatment plan and never once mentioned euthanization without giving the treatment plan a chance.

And so we endured those 48 hours together ~ full of seizures and shaking ~ and then deep vocalizations that scared me with each cry ~ I knew my baby girl was telling me to let her go.

I could not go back to the first emergency vet.  They had scammed me and swindled me out of hundreds of dollars.  I barely had any money left to euthanize.  I found another emergency vet in Capitola who were very kind and told me to come in and apply for Care Credit.  They would help me.

We drove in the hours before dawn to Capitola ~ Ceci sleeping peacefully by now in the crate in the back seat of my borrowed sister's van.  I sat in the parking lot, listening to her breathe.  And for a moment, all was quiet except for the sound of her precious breath.  Oh, God, maybe she is going to be okay.  She's not making those scary sounds anymore. For a few fleeting seconds, I had one last ounce of hope.  That maybe I could turn around.  And take my baby girl back home.

She started moaning ~ wailing in her sleep ~ and I knew I had made the right decision to bring her in to release her from her pain.

My Ceci Girl and I took our last walk together that morning.  In the dark before dawn.  Her in my arms.  Holding her tightly to my heart.  My Precious Girl and I.  

She was the light of my life
The heart of my soul

Ceci and Me
"Kissing Ceci's Ears"