Damaged Goods

I sometimes feel vulnerable now having shared all this garbage with the world.

I have always hated the word "vulnerable".


I spoke about my being worried that people will now think I am damaged in some way, and the subject was brought up again when I watched a video by a woman who had written a book about her experience with domestic violence.


Although I have been encouraged to write by many people, I also feel a distance from some of them now because of the subject matter.  A possible avoidance.  Is it the subject of domestic violence, or do they think I am damaged goods?


I do not think I would even have the guts to ask.


And so I try to just focus on the cause and try not to worry about what other people think of me.  But I still do.  Especially if the person is a man.  What does he really think of a woman who was badly beaten and verbally abused for four years?  Does he pass judgement even if it is unspoken?  I sit and wonder and then wonder why I even care.


These are not people that I am closest to in my life, so why do I even care?  But I do care.  I do not want to be viewed as damaged goods by anyone. 


I wonder why I felt compelled to put myself out there in the first place.  It almost was not even a choice.  I had to put myself out there in order to fully heal so I could never be considered damaged goods.  Damaged goods.  Sounds like some sort of broken commodity.  Does not even sound human to me.


But the stereotype exists.  I have been dealing with jokes when the subject of my blog comes up around casual acquaintances.  People who have not even read the blog but hear me talk about it.  So I took a break of only five days from writing about the sensitive subject of domestic violence and posted animals stories instead.


But the titles still filled my mind this past week, and I finally had to start writing again.  Wondering if I am just giving people more proof that I am damaged goods.  Wondering why I can be so strong and no longer silent and still buy into sick stereotypes. 


But I will buy into the stereotypes as long as the avoidance continues.  And in the end, if people begin reaching back to me, then I can say without question that I was wrong.  That they do not think I am damaged goods. 


I still have this last bit of work to do before I can say I'm done with domestic violence.  That domestic violence has not left a permanent mark on me in a negative way.  That I have fully turned a bad experience around and used it to help other women in need.


I need to work on my insecurity of being viewed as damaged goods. 


My spirit was stifled.  My spirit was damaged.  During each day of the abuse.


But my soul survived.


Unmarked and undamaged.


And lived to share my truth.

~ Uncensored ~