My Rock

~This is for you, Daddy ~

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm... I don't know... Mmm Mmm... Mmm Mmm...

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

~ Stevie Nicks from "Landslide"

In my grief journey to heal from the pain of losing my mother at such a young age, there have been times when I have stopped to think what it would be like to lose my Dad one day.  In the back of my head, I have always remembered that he did indeed smoke just as many years as Mom, but part of me always hoped that he may have smoked a little less during the work day instead of being a complete chain smoker like Mom. 

Through it all, Dad has truly been my rock.  We struggled on and off from the time Mom was admitted to the hospital to the night before his own mother's scattering of her ashes to always see eye-to-eye.  I rack my brain and try to even remember what set us off the day she was admitted, but I remember fighting in front of her as we tried to get her settled into her room.  I remember Mom was all drugged out and practically cross-eyed from the increase of pain medication and was not even able to comment.  So we abruptly ended our dispute, and we both went home to begin what was going to be a sorrowful, two month journey by her bedside.  Looking back today after over 16 years, surely it was our own horror of knowing this truly was the beginning of the end ~ we both knew she was never coming home ~ and we both knew our lives had changed forever from that day forward.  That the ten months leading up to that day was merely practice for the hell we were about to face.  So it really is no wonder we bickered and cannot remember what we even bickered about today.

For the first time since those difficult days, I was truly faced with the realization that I will indeed lose him one day, and I cannot predict what day that will even be.  I got a call at work on Friday that he had been brought to the Emergency Room after feeling chest pains while driving down to Aptos to see us.  Three minutes before closing the office, I am thinking that I could lose my dear father to a heart attack.  That he could possibly die right then and there.  I was not able to hold back the tears at work as I turned my back to 40 tour guides in our lobby to take the late afternoon call from my sister.

I do not know how I could have ever gotten through the last 16 years without the help of my dear father.  He has been the family glue and took on the role our mother once had in the family.  I do not know how it will be for my niece and nephews when the time does come when their Grandpa dies.  I thought about all of this as Rhonda and I drove up to Fairfield yesterday.  I told her I really do not want to deal with this type of loss ~ we have had so many in the past two years.

Before we left for our unexpected road trip, I kissed my mother's picture and told her to tell God that it's simply not time yet.

And when we arrived to the hospital room, I held back the tears as I saw a man who seemed a bit older than he did even earlier in the month ~ although I am sure it was just the optical illusion that laying in a hospital bed creates for the visitor ~ as once we began chatting, he was full of vim and vigor, telling about his latest winnings at Harvey's in Lake Tahoe.  The light was still in his eyes.  The same Dad who always tries to remain positive was still there inside the body that was slumped down in the bed.  The slumping down in the bed was really the first image that had startled me as it took me back to always having to get the nurses to pull my mother back up in bed.  But Dad said it was only because of the air bed and that he liked to have his feet touch the bed frame for support.

So "I feel in my heart" as My Aunt Josie likes to say ~ that my Dad's time is not going to be just yet.  That as Randy says, "He has to stick around for the Seniors World Series of Poker tournament in June" ~ in which we all pooled our money to get him a buy-in.

Thanks, Mom, for talking to God.  You always did have a way with words.

And thanks Dad for being my rock and for sticking around a whole lot longer.

Father's Day at Original Joe's